september

Search me, O God, and know my heart; 

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

Psalm 139:23

"Busyness seems to be a determination not to 'miss out on life.'  Behind much of the rat-race of modern life is the unexamined assumption that what I do determines who I am.  In this way, we define ourselves by what we do, rather than by any quality of what we are inside.  It is typical in a party for one stranger to approach another with the question, 'What do you do?'  Perhaps we wouldn't have a clue how to reply to the deeper question, 'Who are you?'"

James Houston, The Transforming Power of Prayer

I've been thinking about this question a lot:  What am I going to do come September?  And not in a pressure filled kind of way but just in a thinking about it sort of way.  I'm in a weird spot--knowing exactly what I'm going to do yet having no idea.  These two contradictory statements are existing simultaneously in my head right now, which makes processing life a little difficult.  Most of the time I choose not to think about it.  It's not even necessarily a conscious choice most days.  I just don't think about it.  I don't think about what I'll be doing come mid-September.  I have peace about it, peace from the Lord.  And I am so thankful for that.  But I feel like I need to start engaging in the process.

There are two extremes that easily present themselves in this situation.  One, is to do nothing and two, is to make a final decision.  But I think that there is a lot of space between those opposite poles.  It's easy for me to jump towards one end or the other.  I don't feel like I know how to be in the middle.  But I think Jesus is in the middle and that's where I need to be.  In the middle with Jesus.  And I think, if I'm being honest, that one reason this "circumstance" is so hard for me is because I think that there is a part of me that still thinks that I'm defined and judged by what I do.  But that is not true.  I am more than what I do.  We are all far more than a job title.  I have Jesus and Jesus doesn't care about job descriptions but rather who I am in what I'm doing.  Perhaps the first step in engaging in this process is to re-frame my questioning.  To stop asking what am I going to do? and start asking who am I and who am I going to be?