can our kids be friends?

This afternoon I had a couple great conversations with some girls from SuSta.  Loved it.  So much Jesus in these girls lives right now.  He is showing up in obvious but unexpected ways.  Talking with these girls and listening to them share their hearts—it is so encouraging.  The Lord has such big plans for us all this summer!  It’s just crazy.  We are all in a place that we never would have expected.  In a place far better than expected.  A place designed for us by Jesus.  I am so grateful for the people I live life with.  Some are right here others are far, far away.  But we are sharing life.  We shared life today and will continue to do so tomorrow.  And that is exciting, really exciting.  I was thinking today about the people that mean the most to me.  The people who have touched my heart.  The people who have loved me well and have shown me Jesus.  What great people they are.  What amazing gifts from God.  And it made me think about having kids.  Slightly weird but whatever.  I want my kids to know these kinds of people, to have these types of friends, to have people that will continually point them to Jesus when things are good and when things are hard.  I want my kids to have people to laugh with to cry with to question with to discover with to learn with.  And I don’t want them to have to wait until college to experience this—true community, brothers and sisters in Christ.  So today I asked Katie if our kids could be friends.  She said yes and I cannot wait for that day to come!  We might live next door or we might live in different countries, but we will be friends and so will our kids.  They will be able to experience the joy of living life together as a people who love Jesus and love each other.

lunch dates

I love lunch dates.  Like really love them because I feel like adults go out for lunch.  Everyone goes out for dinner.  Grandparents go out to breakfast.  But adults, young adults, go out to lunch.  Today I got to meet a very sweet girl for lunch.  She is so great.  And we got to catch up on life and reconnect.  We haven’t seen each other in months, and I’m so excited she’s back.  Life has changed a lot for her but Jesus has given her such peace.  That is so special to hear and to see.  She’s home.  Home with family, home with friends, home with Jesus.  And it’s right.  I am so excited for her and this season that she is in.  This season of peace and of surprises and of discovery.  She is on a journey but confidently walking forward with expectation and excitement.

great day

Today was a great day.  Here’s why:

1)    I got an inside look at YL via my internship.  Most people dread going over finances but it was an eye-opener.  The staff is so faithful and confident in the Lord’s provision.  I was also blown away by donors and the overall support of YL.  If you’ve ever donated to YL in the past, THANK YOU SO MUCH!  Your generosity has a purpose and allows hundreds of kids to hear about Jesus.  What a gift!

2)    I told some very close friends a secret that I couldn’t wait to tell.  And it was so exciting.  I loved it.  My heart no longer feels the burden of hiding something from a special group of girls who are so close to my heart.  I also found out a little secret from a friend.  Lets just say that I can’t wait for the month of August!

3)    Had a conversation with my intern from this past summer.  She is so great!  Really, the best.  We just exchanged phone numbers today (lame) but then we talked right away!  I see so much Jesus in her and we had such and encouraging and exciting conversation.

4)    I did another interview for my research project.  This project is becoming quite the stressor as I need 8 more interviews by the end of next week and I’m not receiving very many responses.  But, today I did one more so check!

5)    Had a funny conversation with my mom today.  She called to apologize that I would not be receiving the $109 Butler diploma frame after I walk across the stage in May.  She said, “I’m calling because I don’t want you to be disappointed if you’re the only one of your friends who doesn’t get one.”  Sarcasm of course.  My moms a funny lady.  I told her I was glad and would rather just have the cash and we laughed.  I also got a random letter in the mail from her today sent in a TOMS envelope.  I saw it and immediately thought it was a TOMS gift card.  I mean, what else could it be?  Nope!  My mom accidentally opened a piece of my mail that happened to be a letter from TOMS so she decided to sent it to me with a note that said “Sorry, thought this was addressed to me.”  We laughed about this on the phone too.  A disappointing day…no diploma frame and no new TOMS.  Haha.

6)    Today we had our final PARTY IN THE ONE TWENTAAAY!  (Yes, said to the tune of Miley’s Party in the USA).  A little sad, but so fun.  It was really a party for Ellen, she’s moving to New Zealand.  But she didn’t want a party so we had a closing down the house party.  Say what you want Ellen, this party was for you!  It was great.  We had fondue.  Cheese, chocolate (thanks LesKes for the chocolage fountain!) and Mexican (aka queso dip) fondue.  And, of course, we had DC.  The party is never complete without DC.  It was so great to get everyone together again.  I feel like this year people have been doing their own thing so it was just extra special to be together to celebrate Ellen and that house.  So many great memories in that house!  Some of the best summers of my life were spent in that house.  Love the red couch that was often my bed.  And the porch parties—In particular the one where David broke the glass tea dispenser and we were frantically running around filling glasses and pots to save the tea.  So funny.  Walking to DQ and running on the Monon.  “Young and Ambitious” meeting at Bubs.  Making the new apartment complex’s pool our own.  Ok, getting too sentimental.  More about the party—we played Just Dance 2.  BEST.  GAME.  EVER.  I’ve considered buying a Wii just for this game.  It was so fun.  And funny!  We played a guys vs. girls relay where we switched people on every song.  Try it.  Lots of laughs.  Might even get a video of that posted on here.    

funk

It’s been a weird couple days.  I feel like I’m in a little bit of a funk.  Just a little one though.  Nothing major.  I feel like my life is lacking purpose right now.  I’m just feeling a little disconnected from Jesus.  After a couple intense weeks of interviews and feeling so close to the Lord, I’m now feeling a little dry.  And I’m frustrated with myself for feeling this way.  I’m frustrated that when things are fine I don’t seem to notice my need for God.  Or maybe I do, and that’s why I’m feeling dry?  Ok, so maybe I notice it but I don’t do anything about it.  Well, that’s no good.  I guess what I’m trying to say is that when there are tough and uncertain circumstances I’ve noticed that I give Jesus higher priority in my life than when things are easy and normal.  I don’t want it to be that way.  I want Jesus to always be my top priority.  He deserves the top regardless of the circumstances.

At leadership last night we reflected a bit on our experiences with Jesus this past year.  We also talked about where we anticipate seeing Jesus in 2011.  We followed this up with a little goal planning.  And I hate goals.  Really, normally I do.  I don’t know why, but I always get annoyed when people ask me to write goals.  I think it’s because I think of goals never being accomplished.  That people write them down and then hardly do anything to stick to them or make sure they happen.  I have the mentality that if you want to do something, just do it!  Why do you need to write it down to say you’re going to do it, when you could just do it?  (Although, I have been known to create a list post-doing just for the satisfaction of checking things off.)  All that said, I did write down some goals.  And one of mine is to start the day off in the Word.  I’ve been doing a decent job reading everyday since Saranac.  And I love that.  I had a little slip up in the month of November, but I’m back on track now.  But I really want to be intentional about starting my day with Jesus.  Of starting my day with that frame of mind, focusing myself before the chaos begins.  And I see the value of writing this down.  A friend of mine told me, “Anything that’s measured gets better,” and writing it down is a way of measuring it.  It’s a way of holding myself accountable.  We shouldn’t be striving for goals to just check off our list, we should be striving to improve.  I guess it makes more sense in my head for a goal to be something that we can’t actually obtain but are always working towards.  (In my mind this is different than not accomplishing something simply because you gave up trying to achieve it.)  Many would probably disagree with that though…I’ve been told over and over goals need to be realistic whatever that means.  Regardless, this year, for the first time in many, I have goals.  Written down.  Recorded.  And I’m excited to work towards them and hopefully get out of this little funk.          

reminiscing

I miss this place...

I miss BC, BS, OC...

I miss early morning girl time...

I miss funny tan lines...

I miss driving Ellie and going to the gas dock with Katie...

I miss this view for my morning devo...

I miss singing "Oh Love That Will Not Let Me Go"...

I miss these friends...

just me and jesus

So I did it.  I took the risk.  The decision has been made and I have no back up plan.  It’s just me and Jesus and I feel relieved.  I feel excited.  I feel at peace.  This is supposed to be how we live life, but I feel like I rarely find myself in this place.  Sure, I think I’m here quite a bit but if I’m being honest I don’t think I actually am.  And that’s sad.  Really, it is.  Because this is the best place to be.  It’s the way He loves it.  It’s the way I love it.

I don’t want to forget this time.  I don’t want to forget feeling so close to Jesus.  I am grateful for the silence of the last two weeks.  Wish I could say that I choose the silence, and sometimes I did.  But it was honestly a blessing to not have school and therefore have so much time on my hands the past two weeks.  Even if I tried to distract myself I was out of distractions by noon.  I had to be still and deal with what was going on in my heart.  I couldn’t run.  And the silence was good.  It was clear and decisive and encouraging.  I am also so incredibly grateful for the conversations that have emerged in this process.  I thank Jesus for the friends who have loved me so well this week.  Some of  you are here with me, others are far away, but I hold all of you so close to my heart.  Thank you for asking, thank you for listening, thank you for encouraging, thank you for speaking truth and pointing me to Jesus. 

This is what it feels like to trust Jesus.  This is what it feels like to be just me and Him.  And since I don’t want to forget this feeling, please God don’t let me forget this feeling, I am writing what I’ve turned to since this process began:

BE JOYFUL IN HOPE, PATIENT IN AFFLICTION, FAITHFUL IN PRAYER.  –Romans 12:12

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  Therefore, we will not fear…  –Psalm 46:1-2

SLOW DOWN, and enjoy the journey in My Presence.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to proper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  –Jeremiah  29:11

When you bring me prayer requests, lay out your concerns before Me.  Speak to me candidly; pour out your heart.  THEN THANK ME FOR THE ANSWERS THAT I HAVE SET INTO MOTION LONG BEFORE YOU CAN DISCERN RESULTS.  When your request come to mind again, continue to thank Me for the answers that are on the way.  –Jesus Calling, Sarah Young

Devote yourselves to prayer, be watchful and thankful.  –Colossians 4:2

TRUE DEPENDENCE—Not asking Jesus to bless my decisions, but coming to Jesus with an open mind and open heart and inviting Jesus to plant His desires in me.

We live by faith and not by sight.  –2 Corinthians 5:7

MOMENT BY MOMENT.

But we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.  For in this hope we are saved.  But hope that is seen is not hope at all.  Who hopes for what he already has?  But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.  –Romans 8:23-25

BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.  –Psalm 46:10

Thank you for being patient with me when I was slow to learn.  Now, help me be patient with you in revealing my plans for the future.

Rediscover the art of being perplexed, of not quite know the answers.  –Larry Mitchell, Common Ground

May the God of HOPE fill you will all JOY and PEACE as you TRUST IN HIM, so that you may overflow with the hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  –Romans 15:13

Blessed is the one who has believed that what the Lord has said to them WILL BE ACCOMPLISHED.  –Luke 1:45

‘Tis So Sweet  –Jadon Lavik

His divin power has given us EVERYTHING we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.  Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the diving nature and escape the corruption of this world caused by evil desires.  –2 Peter 1:3-4

I will strengthen you and prepare you for this day, TRANSFORMING YOUR FEAR INTO CONFIDENT TRUST.  –Jesus Calling, Sarah Young

Jesus if for me not against me.

We do not live a passive faith, but a KINETIC one.  –Jeff, Common Ground

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  –Philippians 4:6-7

LEWIS AND CLARK JOURNEY.  –Larry Mitchell, Common Ground

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with PERSEVERANCE the race marked out for us.  Let us FIX OUR EYES ON JESUS, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.  –Hebrews 12:1-3

RISK.

Now to him who is able to do IMMEASURABLY MORE than we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever!  Amen.  –Ephesians 3:20-21

Words to Build a Life On  –Mike Crawford

Most of us have far too many plans and not enough DREAMS.  We are never saved by our plans.  We aren't even saved by the plans for achieving the dream.  –Craig Barnes

last first day

It’s my last first day of class and it’s a little odd.  I don’t know if it’s odd because it is my last first day or because it’s raining today.  Legitimately raining.  My feet were soaked by the time I made it to campus.  It’s the end-ish of January and it’s just not supposed to rain.  Regardless, today just feels out of sync.  I’m taking classes to finish up my major which really means that I’m back-tracking and taking 200 level classes that I should’ve taken when I was a sophomore.  It’s different walking into class on your last first day and not recognizing people.  You’d think by the time my last semester rolled around, I’d know everyone in my classes.  I mean, lets be real.  Butler is not that big (or big at all actually) and the department is even smaller.  But lucky for me, that’s not the case and I sit mostly in a sea of strangers.  Yay.  There are a couple of others who are in my boat, who changed their major late, so at least I’m not completely alone.  That is nice.

I’ve been thinking about the future a lot lately, and the last first day is not helping.  Not future future, like 20 years from now future.  But more like next week future and in a couple months future.  Anyways, I am soon going to have to take a risk that will affect my future. This past month has been a month of me learning to trust the Lord.  Learning to listen and learning to surrender control.  But now it’s time to learn to respond, to act, to make a decision.  And I know what I want to do, and I know what I have to do, but it’s still so hard to actually do the doing.  It’s like I’m confident when I think about it in my head.  I can even tell people about it, about what I’m going to do.  But I think part of that confidence comes from the fact that I actually haven’t done it yet.  Therefore, if what I’m really hoping for doesn’t turn out, in my head I still have a back up plan.  But soon there will be no back up plan and I hope that I remain confident and remember what I’m feeling in my heart.        

becoming

A relationship with Jesus is a process of becoming.  Because of the cross, we are not stuck in our past, bound by our mistakes.  Nor are we living in the future.  Life with Jesus is in real time.  The present.  It’s now.  Now is my time to become.  To become all Christ imagined me to be.  To be able to love people well and love the Father well.  To be able to confidently move forward, step-by-step with Jesus, experiencing the greatness and fullness of life He desires for me.

I am deep into the process of becoming.  And it’s hard.  But I’m in too far to turn around.  I don’t want to turn around.  Because it is good.  I am learning.  I am experiencing Christ in a whole new way.  I am experiencing people in a whole new way.  I am able to trust in what is unseen.  I know that I am not alone in this journey that I am on.  Although the final destination is unclear it is obvious that the process is purposeful and meaningful.  It is my time to do, to experience, to live, to love, to become.  I am a work in progress.

I’ve been slowly reading Bittersweet, by Shauna Niequist, and it’s great.  Read it.  And read Cold Tangerines.  But here’s a quote that I love:

“Now is your time.  Become, believe, try.  Walk closely with people you love, and with other people who believe that God is very good and life is a grand adventure.  Don’t spend time with people who make you feel like less than you are.  Don’t get stuck in the past, and don’t try to fast-forward yourself into a future you haven’t yet earned.   Give today all the love and intensity and courage you can, and keep traveling honestly along life’s path.”

birthdays

Birthdays are good.  This year was different.  I didn’t have a cake or candles.  No one officially sang me the birthday song (totes ok with that!).  But I still felt so loved.  And to me, that’s what matters on your birthday.  I woke up early to drive back to Butler—6:30A.M. early.  I woke to two things:  (1) eight inches of snow, and (2) a surprise present on the kitchen counter.  I had already opened gifts before New Years while E and Z were home.  But my mom wanted me to have something to open on my actual birthday.  Love her!  It was Yahtzee.  One of my favorite childhood games that the two have us have started playing again quite frequently.  So it was perfect and special.

I drove in and out of a snowstorm back to Indy where I met two amazing women for lunch at one of my favorite places in Indianapolis to eat—Taste.  Taste is special to us.  It’s like our own little lunch place.  Last time I was there we were planning our adventures in Europe.  But it was great to be back and catch up on life and fill them in on what’s going on with the internship process.  Seriously love these two so much!  They are wonderful!  Couldn’t imagine life without them.

I had dinner in Zionsville with some more of my favorite people.  It was great.  And they made pumpkin cookies!  I LOVE pumpkin.  It was a simple gesture but so special.  I also filled them in on what was happening with internships and life.  They are such great listeners and I appreciate that so much.  So thankful that they moved to Zionsville and are now in my life. 

Thanks to everyone who made this birthday special!  Thanks for the cards, the phone calls and the text messages.  ME, thanks for the cupcake you left on my desk!  I love that this birthday was full of people and conversations.  You are all such gifts in my life, especially today.

lewis and clark journey

At church recently we talked about how life with Jesus is a Lewis and Clark kind of journey.  It’s not like going to an all-inclusive resort where things are predictable and activities are planned.  We don’t know where we’re going or how we’re getting there or when.  We have a general direction, but things are revealed to us as we go.  There are unknowns.  Lots of them.  Life’s unpredictable but that gives us the opportunity to trust Jesus.  Like really trust Jesus.  Putting our hope in him and trusting that He will provide and guide our steps.

Sometimes I forget I’m on the Lewis and Clark type of journey.  But not now.  There are too many unknowns and what ifs.  I’m living Lewis and Clark style and it’s scary.  But I want to keep seeking Jesus and not seeking answers.  I want to crawl into the lap of Jesus and experience His arms of peace and love.  I want to rediscover the art of being perplexed.  Of not quite knowing all the answers but trusting anyways.  That’s faith.  And I am learning.  I am learning how great His plans are for me.  How beautiful and unimaginable and wonderful they are.  Jesus is enough to carry me through.  He is more than enough.   

priceless

“Remember that the answers aren’t necessarily as important as the questions and the company, and that if we do find answers, we’ll find them together.  Share your life with the people you love.  We were made to live connected and close.  So walk across the street, or drive across town, or fly across the country, but don’t let really intimate loving friendships become the last item on a long to-do list.  Because there really is nothing like good friends, like the sounds of their laughter and the tones of their voices and the things they teach us in the quietest, smallest moments.”  --Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet

Thank you Jesus for great friends.  I read this and can’t help but of think of SuSta.  It still blows my mind that 27 of us traveled to OBX for New Years.  We were all there because Jesus did something big in our hearts in August.  We were there to remember a time when we were close to Jesus and close to each other.  A time of change and transformation.  And there was so much joy at the reunion!  (I laugh-cried more times than I can count!)  And so much life!  True life.  Life to the full life.  Thank you Jesus for making us relational beings and for giving me a true picture of what that really means.  You could not put a price on that reunion.  It was worth every single penny spent to make it possible.

Thank you, Matt Benson for capturing the joy of the weekend.  Love these people a lot.  A lot a lot.

blogging bandwagon

So the blogging bandwagon…I’m officially on it.  And it turns out that the idea of blogging in my pre-blogging life was much easier than the reality of blogging in my current-blogging life.  But here it goes…

I was struck by my devo today—ask Jesus to show the path forward moment by moment.  It’s like we’re on a need to know basis with Jesus.  And I think I need to know much more than I actually need to know.  Right now I have a lot of unanswered questions.  A lot of possibilities.  A lot of maybes and  a lot of maybe nots.  The next six months to a year is a pretty blank slate and I’m starting to get antsy to figure it out.  But this is a reminder that I can trust Jesus.  He is fighting on my behalf and will reveal the next steps when necessary.  Jesus is in control.  It is my prayer that I can slow down and enjoy the journey.