puddle of suck

Moving is hard.  Not a this sucks, I want to go home hard but a whoa, I'm learning a lot hard.  There are good days and not so good days and lately I feel like there's been a lot more of the not so good ones.  I guess you just don't really think like an outsider or know what it's like until you are one.  It's easy when things are hard to sit and sulk in my own puddle of suck.  Reminding myself of how lonely or sad or stuck or disconnected I feel.  But I am not alone.  Puddles dry up and so do puddles of suck.  Christ is with me and for me and that is more than enough.  Sometimes I forget that, but it is truth.  I'm grateful for how much bigger Christ is than all of this.

Never in my life have I ever wanted someone to ask me how I was doing so badly.  Someone to call me and check in.  Someone to say they were thinking of me.  Someone to make sure I was doing okay.  Someone to invite me in.  But that's me running to people not Jesus.  When things get tough I go straight to the phone hoping (1) they'll answer and (2) their voice will cheer me up.  Or I immediately want to call Linda and ask for advice.  But all of those things have been removed from me and Christ is forcing me at his feet.  And I'll be honest, I'm resisting it.  My time with the Lord has been anything but rich or consistent.  I feel Him tugging, calling me to Him, and I'm stubborn and refuse to turn around.  I refuse to run into His arms of peace and love.  And have the longings of my heart been satisfied?  No.  I still thirst and ache for more because people are not perfect.  They will disappoint.  They are not Jesus.  I need Jesus.  Only He can satisfy the thirst of my heart and longing of my soul.  

I was thinking about high school kids today.  Envisioning the cafeteria at ZCHS where I led YL in college.  And I can clearly see in my mind the kids on the outside.  On the fringe.  The kids who don't fit in.  Who  sit alone or are super shy or just socially awkward.  Or those who are super goth or hipster.  Every school has them.  The kids that as leaders we're intimidated by not because they're scary but because we don't know how to approach them, or how to start the conversation, or how in the world we'd ever relate to them.  But it hit me that those kids...those kids who sit outside the lunchroom instead of in the lunchroom...those kids feel every day the way I felt last week.  Dying for an invitation.  Craving someone to simply ask them how they are doing.  Someone showing up and making them feel noticed, loved, cared for, significant, worthy.  And then I feel like, Why was I ever scared of approaching those kids?  Why did I worry?  Or question?  Because those kids who seem unreachable are dying to be known.  They're ready.  Their hearts are there.  They're longing.  They don't put up a front.  They're just waiting for an invitation.

So despite the challenges of moving I see Christ.  I'm gaining a new perspective and I'm learning.  And in this case, learning to love the outsider.

lift

Lunch dates are my favorite.  Rachel and I decided we were going to lunch today and she said it was my job to pick a place so I did some research.  I love going out to lunch.  It is one of my favorite things.  And atmosphere is a big deal for me.  Love the cute local places with fresh local food.  Something different.  The hidden gem that not everyone knows of.  The places that make you feel like you know the inside scoop and have lived there your whole life.

So we went to Lift Coffee Shop and Cafe.  It was amazing!  Delicious.  And local.  I love local!  And it was super cute.  We sat outside because it was a great day.  In Rachel's words it was "temperate" outside.  And we wanted to be one of those trendy people eating outside.  Perfect. 

Didn't take this pic but wanted to show you.

I've been searching for my favorite lunch place, my favorite coffee shop, and my favorite house in RVA.  For some reason those three things make a place feel like a home to me.  And it's harder than it sounds cause there are lots of options here.  But Lift is definitely going on the lunch list.  Can't wait to go back for some coffee.  Maybe I'll go for First Friday because they participate!  I love First Fridays!  

risk

"A risk taken in the direction of God and His Kingdom is never a failure.  It may not look good on paper but it is never a failure."

-Jeff Krajewski, Common Ground Christian Church

humpback rocks

Went to Harrisonburg for the weekend.  On the way back I went for a little hike.  A solo hike.  One of my friends in college always went on solo hikes and I thought he was dumb.  Like stupid for climbing a mountain alone.  Because he could get attacked by bears or fall off a cliff and no one would know.  But it really is great.  Tranquil.  Freeing.  Peaceful.  It was an absolutely beautiful fall day and more than worth the stop.  I decided today that (1) VA is an absolutely beautiful state, (2) I could get married in October and (3) I want to still go hiking when I'm old.

Could have stayed for days.  Beautiful.

The sky was so blue!

Those rocks were scary.  Didn't attempt, I was alone.  

Back down the trail.

You then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.  And the things you have heard me say in the presence of many witnesses entrust to reliable men who will also be qualified to teach others.  Endure hardship with us like a good soldier of Christ Jesus...

Remember Jesus Christ, raised from the dead, descended from David.  This is my gospel, for which I am suffering even to the point of being chained like a criminal.  But God's word is not chained.  Therefore I endure everything for the sake of the elect, that they too may obtain the salvation that is in Christ Jesus, with eternal glory.  Here is a trustworthy saying:

If we died with him, 

we will also live with him; 

if we endure, 

we will also reign with him.  

If we disown him, 

he will also disown us; 

if we are faithless, 

he will remain faithful, 

for he cannot disown himself.

-2 Timothy 2:1-3 & 8-13

This trip to Harrisonburg was great!  New friends and old friends.  It still just blows my mind when I think about where I am.  I LIVE IN RICHMOND, VIRGINIA!!!  Before August 2010 I had zero connections to VA.  I mean ZERO.  Didn't know anyone from here, had only been to DC and that doesn't even really count, nothing.  Now I live here.  I experience community here.  I experience Jesus here.  Visiting Harrisonburg was just another reminder of the million and ten ways the Lord has moved in my life in the past 14 months.  He has done big things, the unimaginable.  And I can expect the God of the universe to continue to show up and do big things.  To do mind blowing things.  To do things that are far greater than I could have ever imagined or dreamed or thought of myself.

Right now I'm waiting.  I'm trying to be patient.  To not react.  I don't want to be reactionary or make emotional decisions.  I don't want to settle or make quick decisions because I feel like I have to.  But I also don't want to waste this time.  I want to experience everything the Lord has for me here, and in my mind that means doing something, being something, having a full schedule.  But it's becoming quite clear that the stillness and the silence and the I-have-more-time-on-my-hands-than-I-know-what-to-do-with is where the Lord has me.  And not wasting this time means not packing it with to-do lists and errands but filling it with Jesus.  Sweet, simple, quiet time with Him.  Asking daily, what do you want me to experience today Lord?  And listening and exploring and making myself available to hear the answer.  I can sit in the silence at the feet of Jesus with confidence because the Lord has shown up big before.  I wouldn't be here in RVA making day trips to JMU if that wasn't true.

rewind.

I wrote this back in July when I was still at Saranac.  Looking to gain back this perspective on life right now.  I have it.  I think.  I just need to believe in it.  To trust in it.  To surrender to it...    

I have been really focused lately on the question, how do I begin the process of discovering what the Lord has for me in the fall?  I feel a real and genuine peace about the fall.  Something that I know is a gift from the Lord.  It is not of my doing at all.  Peace like this is not possible to muster out of human strength or desire.  And I really do have such assurance that the Lord has something great for me come October.  But I kept finding myself going back to the question...how do I start the process?  Not, what am I going to do?  But how do I engage in the process of figuring out what I'm going to do?

But today was different.  The Lord hit me with a real truth:  the process has already begun.  This whole time I keep asking how do I start and the Lord just made it clear today that that question is irrelevant because the process already began.  A long time ago it began.  When I started journeying with the Lord it began.  It's now.  I'm living it.  It's not a matter of starting it, it's a matter of recognizing it and listening to it and having the courage to follow it.  The courage to follow the whisper of God.

I am in this place of wanting to leave the doors of opportunity open, yet wanting to make a decision.  Apparently this is quite characteristic of people whose spiritual gift is serving.  I never want to close opportunities because I'm always looking for ways to fill in the gaps.  But I was encouraged today when talking to Moreen.  She said, "Gain the experience while you have the time and freedom to gain the experience."  Wisdom and truth right there.  I am an explorer, looking for ways to step in.  I have a lot of gifts and am constantly desiring to learn new skills/experience, new things so I will be able to step in and fill more gaps.  A wider range of gaps.  Meet more needs.  So go.  Gain the experience.  Listen to the nudge of the Spirit.  Quiet myself long enough to hear that nudge and go.  Go for a week, go for a month, go for forever.  Just go and be in-step with the Spirit.  Recognize opportunities the Lord is putting in front of me right now.  I don't need anyone's permission to go, I can just go and be and explore.

wheelhouse

I'm here!  Wheelhouse.  What?!  YES!!!  It's been a crazy day but great.  People keep asking me how I'm feeling and I'm really not stressed at all.  Was a little when I thought Mom and Dad were going to beat me to RVA, but it ended up being great.  I feel a lot of things right now but it's kinda hard to make sense of it all.  Didn't expect to move in and find out about next summer all in one day.  But I'm in Richmond now.  I get to establish roots here.  Create a life.  Trying to trust while asking the Lord what my life here is supposed to look like.

Best part of the day...I got real mail!  Yes, been here less than a day an I got a legit letter!  Well, it's actually a letter that's been on quite the USPS delivery adventure.  First Indy, then Saranac, now RVA.   And it arrived today!  A wedding invitation for my teammate.  Love it even though I can't make the trip to AZ.  Made me feel home.  And another great moment...I ran into someone I knew running errands.  Yes, literally the one other person I know in RVA I ran into on a whim!  And I think I'm going to have a visitor tomorrow!  Like I said, home.  

joy & obedience

How often I associate joy with freedom but I think a more accurate association would be joy and obedience or joy and discipline.  Freedom, free will, me doing what I want...that doesn't define joy it defines selfishness.  And how often do I desire freedom?  I think to myself, if I could just do _________ then I would have joy.  Or, if I could just be __________ I'd experience joy.  And how often to I find myself in those places, the places I've chosen to be in, and completely without joy.  None.  Instead, I experience the opposite of joy.

The last week has been full of such incredible joy.  Really.  Incredible!  I'm feeling so full.  And I think, why?  Why now?  I'm sitting on a deck in Kentucky, not my house.  My car is literally a closet on wheels, I'm saying lots of goodbyes, and I am in the process of moving to a place I have never even visited.  Not even once!  My life is so unsettled yet I feel my heart overflowing with joy.  But I think it's because I'm being obedient.  This isn't profound, I just didn't make the connection before.  But I'm making it now.  Joy and obedience.  I have obeyed.  This is one of the first times I feel confident in my obedience.  Jesus said go and I followed.  I am walking with Him this path into the unknown and he has gifted me with such joy.  Such real, full, spirit-pumping, indescribable, JOY.  It's not a mystery or an accident or a fluke.  Christ wants us to experience joy.  He wants us to experience the desires of our heart.  And He's teaching me the best way tot do it is through obedience.  Unwavering focus on Christ and deep, reckless, unconditional trust in Him.

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.  Now remain in my love.  If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love.  I have told you this so that your joy may be complete.  My command is this:  Love each other as I have loved you."
-Jesus  (John 15)

"It is impossible to receive Christ and not to receive His joy.  FOR HIS JOY IS JOY!  It is the delirious music of those who have been delivered."
-Walking with the Saints, Calvin Miller